Stephani (denyeverything) wrote in violencefree,


The other day, there was an incident involving my 5-year-old daughter and 25-year-old sister. I was in the shower at the time, and my sister was attempting to get my 8-month-old nephew to sleep and my daughter was talking to him. My sister told her to stop talking to him while she was trying to get him to sleep; my daughter continued to do so (yes, she should have stopped, but she didn't realize my sister was trying to get him to sleep, so she kept talking to him. My sister got angry and shouted in my daughter's face to leave him alone. My daughter reacted by pinching my sister on the arm. NO, I do not think it was alright for her to pinch anyone; but instead of waiting for me to get out of the shower, or going to tell me what had happened so I could deal with my daughter, my sister figured the best way to deal with it was to pinch her back hard enough to leave a red mark and later a bruise. This did cause a confrontation (no, I didn't shout, but I did let my sister know in no uncertain terms that no one died and made her the one in charge of disciplining MY child) between my sister and I. OK, my point is this: I had posted this story in a parenting community last week and out of two out of three people claimed my sister did the right thing by stooping to a 5-year-old's level and pinching her back. They claimed the 'cause-and-effect' theory sometimes works. I don't understand what good it does to put yourself at the level of a child and do exactly what they do to teach them not to do it! My daughter reacts quite well to positive reinforcement and, if need be, having priviledges taken away for misbehaving at times. She's generally a good kiddo, but all children are going to disobey at times and do things they aren't supposed to. *I* think that pinching/spanking/etc. a child is only teaching them that violence can solve things. Spanking, in my opinion, teaches a child fear and intimidation; it doesn't get to the root of the problem and I know from my own experience that it makes a child more prone to lie and hide things if they fear that they will be physically reprimanded for it later if they've done something wrong. What do you guys think of the "cause-and-effect" theory (you know, if the kid does something to you, you do it back so they'll know what it feels like and won't do it again)? Am I the only one who finds this concept ridiculous? I mean, the two people I referred to who commented on my other post were basically telling me that my sister was right in pinching my daughter back!
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